By Caroline Flint

When I was eight my mother had her fourth child at home. I can remember my sister as if it were yesterday. A small red soft sweetly-smelling baby, the soft down of her black hair, the little snuffling noises. I thought she was utterly, utterly, magical and at that moment I resolved that I would become a midwife and that if I could, I would have lots of babies.

I have been fortunate to have achieved both these ambitions in my life. I have given birth to three beautiful and talented children (a totally unbiased view of course!) and I have found the most enormous fulfillment in my life and work as a midwife.

My mother has been a significant influence on my life. She hated midwives, the stories she told of the midwives who had looked after her during her six pregnancies were of bossy, domineering women, who were unkind to their suffering patients, without sensitivity, without sympathy, and without feelings. At the birth of my sister at home she asked the GP if he would come because she knew he was kind and although he didn't deliver the baby he was there to give her support. My father was not at any of our births. At my birth he was off fighting in the war and for the births of my siblings he would not have been allowed in to the Labour Ward, because in those days men were kept out - it was women's business.

When I became pregnant with my first baby I decided to have him at home because men were still kept out of the delivery rooms and I knew I couldn't go through the obviously painful process without Giles to hold my hand and support me. I also felt that I would not naturally be a very good mother and knowing that I'm brilliant at delegating I was afraid that if I was in hospital I would delegate my baby to whoever happened to be passing rather than look after it myself. I knew that for me to become a mother it was important that I had my baby at home and to be totally responsible for the baby. I also hate not being in control of my environment and I knew that in hospital it would be more difficult for me, whereas at home the midwife would be the visitor to my flat.

For both Giles and me the birth of our first child Matthew was a magical experience. We had the most loving, kind and enthusiastic midwife, Sister Harrap. Despite the slight handicap (in the days of pinard stethoscopes) of being deaf and therefore being unable to listen to the fetal heart, and despite not doing vaginal examinations because she said that you could look at a woman and see from her outward demeanour how far on in labour she was, I found her loving care of me incredibly supportive and it helped to make the birth of my first son the most empowering experience of my life, for which I shall always be grateful to such a beautiful and loving midwife.

Before Matthew's birth, and then again during my next two pregnancies I went to NCT classes. For me they were a very profound educational experience. They were one of the first of the women's groups, my first brush with feminism, a place where ones feeling were acknowledged as being important, not just some emotional rubbish. The NCT was a revelation to me.

After the birth of my next two children, Rebecca and Thomas, I started to teach for the National Childbirth Trust and have continued to do so ever since. Every week couples sit in my sitting-room and tell me about the momentous experience they are approaching and what they feel about it and what they feel about the care they are receiving from the NHS. The reason that I am so passionately committed to continuity of carer for women is that week after week in my sitting-room women have said to me `if only we knew who the midwife was going to be, if only we could get to know her'. I have been educated by women who have shared with me their feelings, their fears and their thoughts and by men who have guided me, helped me not to be sexist and enlightened me as to how they want to support their partners.

These then are two of the influences on my life but probably the strongest influence on my life has been Giles, my husband. He is a lawyer, committed to justice, equity and totally opposed to discrimination for racial or religious reasons and very much committed to equality of the sexes. I have learnt so much from his wise and patient (and sometimes impatient!) counsel. He has been able to advise my friends when they have been in trouble and he has advised me when I have been having problems. Those same friends that I have made throughout my professional career, many of whom are members of the Association of Radical Midwives, have also been a great influence on my thinking and behaviour. Most of my friends (and I) have been in trouble within the midwives' rather punitive disciplinary system. It has been so good and so strengthening to have their support when times have been hard, so useful to have their ideas and thoughts. Often I think that it is not me who is the thinker, it's just that I seem to be able to put other people's thoughts into words on paper.

I don't know why I have written so many articles - it may just be that I am an opinionated woman but I do know that if I don't get things off my chest by writing them down I nearly burst. It's also one of the most effective ways I know of achieving change. If I write something down - even if it is only a thought, then I know someone will read it and they may be interested in the idea or it may trigger a response in them. Then if someone asks me to speak about what I have written I can elaborate and share ideas with other people who will elaborate on the idea and improve it. My great fortune in having visited Australia seven times, New Zealand twice, Malta, Iceland, Guernsey, Holland, Norway, Denmark and several other lovely places is all because I have written articles and had them published in some of the journals. I do urge every midwife to follow suit. If I can write so can you. I only write in the same way that I write letters to my Mum - you could do this as well.

I know that I could not have written so much without the support of Giles, who often patiently cooks a meal or does what has to be done while I sit glued to the word processor pouring out the things that I hold in my heart that I can't rest until I have got down on paper. Nowadays the process of writing is much easier for me because my dear friend, Janet Andrews, who also works as a secretary and administrator for our Practice, types out my articles which I have dictated into a dictating machine. The support that I have received from Giles, Janet and the children and my colleagues, Valerie Taylor and Hiromi Takahashi, has enabled me to produce these articles over the years. I hope you will find them of interest. For me it is humbling and sometimes frustrating to read words I wrote ten or fifteen years ago and to realize that the changes that I was hoping for then haven't yet come to pass, but maybe they will soon, who knows?

As President of the Royal College of Midwives I hope that it will be easier to achieve some' of the objectives I have held for many years. It is a large and very exciting organization and

the staff at the RCM are devoted and extremely hard working. Members and Council members; are extremely committed both to midwifery and to women. All are determined to improve the services available during pregnancy and childbirth and many, many of us hold the same vision - perhaps the time is ripe now?

I would like to thank Deb Hughes for the introductions that she has written to every group of articles. She has made me laugh and brought back many memories of our long and much appreciated friendship. I would also like to thank Henry Hochland for producing this book and for all the work he does for midwives and, through them, for women.

Caroline Flint
May, 1995.